I know it has only been a few days into 2016 but I have had a very hard time letting go of 2015. Last year was such a great year for us with many first. We became first time parents, Joey held a baby for the first time (I love the fact that Ava is the first and only baby he has ever held). We both changed our first diaper ever and he actually changed one before me. Needless to say on our journey of being new parents we have experienced endless "first" moments and we look forward to the many more to come.
Last year, was also Ava's birth year. It was the year I carried her in my belly, the year I gave birth to her, the year we welcomed her into this world. I never thought it would be this hard to say goodbye to 2015. The past few days I have had these emotional moments when I just cry. Kind of like I did when Ava was first born. I keep telling my husband it's just hormones, but why do I keep giving excuses for being emotional? I don't have to have an excuse for being emotional, it's ok to cry and good to let it out. My husband is the most understanding man I know and I know he doesn't need an excuse for me crying. This is all me. Even when I cry to my family I say the same thing, "Oh, it's just the hormones!" Part of it probably is, but a big part of it, is that fact that we just created a child and welcomed her into this world, into OUR world. That is a BIG deal! It's an emotional roller coaster for sure, but a good one at that.
It's crazy how having a baby can make you feel like the strongest woman out there yet the weakest and most vulnerable one. My love for Ava and my husband is so strong and grows so much each and every day. I have never felt such a thing before. The magnitude of my love for the two of them is indescribable. It makes me strong and overjoyed yet so vulnerable at the same time. There is only one word for this feeling of vulnerability....FEAR.
I have fears of losing the both of them. Fear of something happening to them. When I put Ava to bed I sometimes wonder if something will happen to her during the night. When Joey leaves for work I worry that something will happen to him while he is driving to work or while he is working. The thought of life without them is unbearable. What is the cause of all of this? FEAR. FEAR. and more FEAR.
When I start to worry about Ava at night time I begin to pray immediately. I ask God for his protection over her and to send his angels her way. Soon after, the thoughts of worry are gone. When Joey leaves for work and I start to worry, I sit down and begin to pray the same prayer for him. I do this every day and the worry goes away. I trust in God and put my faith in him.
However, for these past few days it's been hard letting go of 2015 because of the fear of 2016. Joey and I have been so blessed that I have this fear that 2016 will be our time for something bad to happen. I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth. I believe that is one of the reasons I haven't let go of 2015. My husband told me that I can't live in fear. I can't let fear control my life and he told me that if something were to happen we would get through it together. God will help us through it. He couldn't be more right.
Another thing I have been struggling with is connecting with people or being liked. I feel as though sometimes I don't connect with others because I am not going through a bad experience right now, or they don't like me because they think my life is "perfect". My life is FARRRR from perfect. My husband says who cares about those people, which he is right. I don't need friends like that. My close friend tells me its all about perception, and she's right too. My sister mentioned to me that being blessed is a way of thinking. It's a mindset and well, she's also right. Many people are blessed in this world but refuse to see it because of the fear or disappointment clouding there minds and hearts. Joey and I choose to focus on the positive things in our life and allow that joy to fill our hearts. In doing so, we forget about the hard times and challenges we have faced.
I started to look back on 2015 a little deeper and let fear in just to see what it was like. I began to remember the tears and worries we had when having tests done during my first trimester. I remember the day the doctor called me while I was at work to tell me my child could possibly have fragile X syndrome and how they wanted me to go see a specialist. I began to remember the preeclampsia issues I had towards the end of my pregnancy, or the blood pressure problems that put me back in the hospital after delivery, I remembered the hit in run accident Ava and I were in just weeks after she was born, I remembered the heart monitor I had to wear a month ago, or the endless hospital bills sitting on our counter. Slowly my picture of 2015 started to look like this.
But then I started to realize that I wasn't feeling so blessed. Fear took over and erased my blessings. I didn't want to remember 2015 like that. These thoughts were clouding my heart, mind, and soul and I don't want to live that way. I want the feeling I had just a few minutes ago. That overflowing feeling of joy and love. So I began to change my worries back into blessings. With God's never ending love, guidance, and protection, we were given a sense of peace after we went to see a Genetic Specialist about the Fragile X Syndrome, I was also able to have a natural delivery with Ava before the preeclampsia got too bad, God's angels were watching over us during the hit and run and kept Ava and I safe, eventually with blood pressure medication my blood pressure was stabilized and went back to normal once the preeclampsia was gone. Yes, we still have endless hospital bills sitting on our counter but they will get paid off. There is no sense is stressing over them.
Now 2015, started to look and feel like I remembered it before and how I WANTED to remember it.
I am choosing to say good bye to fear, put my trust and faith in God, lean on him, and welcome 2016! I encourage you to learn and grow from the challenges that 2015 brought you. Sit down and right down all of the blessings last year brought you, big or small. Remember 2015 as a year of blessings. Say goodbye to fear and welcome 2016! It is going to be a great one!
Join me in my journey as a wife, new mom and a baker as I learn to balance all of life's aprons.